Chalk It Up

For those of you unfamiliar with the many different distinguishing characteristics of this special little town of South Bend, allow me to enlighten you with yet another fun fact: South Bend is home to North America's very first artificial whitewater waterway...Didn't know that did you? Yea baby - nothing like a first-mover advantage (love the MBA-speak)... the South Bend course was the first of four now scattered throughout the country. Why, you ask? Well, thanks to some limited research (Wikipedia) the answer seems to be that these courses were built as training grounds for Olympic athletes to prepare for the Games' whitewater events. While South Bend was once home to such training, the official US National Whitewater Center, constructed in 2000, is located in Charlotte and serves as the venue for most of the training these days (They teach us that the first-mover advantage always wears off...). For you Wednesday night 'Wings n Trivia' regulars, the other two sites are in MD and TN.


The East Race Waterway, as it's called, now falls under the domain of South Bend Parks and Recreation Department. It opens during the summer on weekend afternoons for the local daredevils to taste for themselves what if feels like to fight the 1900 feet of scale 2 rapids. For just $5, anybody measuring in at a minmum of 4'6" can take the quick ride...a pretty tame exercise for even the most risk averse...With the summer program winding down (1 week left before a 2 week recess) us 1 yr students realize that without immediate action, our opportunity to brave this unique experience would soon be gone...and so it was that this past Saturday afternoon, a group of 10 MBA students took to the river each with 5 bucks, a pair of water shoes and expectations for not much more than a checkmark on the list of 'Only in South Bend'...

I should start with a little background...scale 2 rapids may not mean much to the rookie rafter, but for those of us with experience riding the safetynet-free waves of Mother Nature's scale 4 rapids, you'll have to excuse our yawn...you see, during the summer of my 14th birthday, the McEvily family vacation took us out West for a 5 day rafting excursion down the Green River and through the canyons of Utah...a great vaca that produced some unforgettable memories and, apparently, a touch of whitewater hubris that lingered untested for the next 12 years...

Getting back to present day South Bend...We arrive at the course, buy our tickets from the hotdog stand (I know what you're thinking but sadly no pre-game corndogs) and break up in to smaller teams. The combination of Garner, Shirley (male classmates), and McEvily develops a natural rapport and forms a smaller team of just 3...(Perfect, less of chance for novice rafters to get in my way)...we select our life vests, helmets and the winning raft before setting out down to the launching dock...."So, is this your first ride?" says the blonde lifeguard (full tattoo running down her right thigh) as she grabs the raft from us (the same one just requiring the efforts of three grown men to transport)..."Yep"..."OK, then let me give you my safety spiel..." As she goes on to describe the depth of water (~3ft), positioning of lifeguards (every couple hundred yards) and the proper "Rescue Me" technique (on your back, feet up, blah, blah, blah), I'm about ready to interrupt with, "Uh, Have you ever heard of the Green River? I think I'll be OK, Thanks..." but discretion gets the better of me...She pushes us off with one final piece of advice: "make sure to lock your feet into the sides of the boat or the seat in front of you for better balance"...and just like that, we're off...

...the current gradually picks up a bit and we can now see an approach to some white water...we attack it head on ready for some action...here we go...annnnnnd....Oh...Are you serious? THAT was IT??? ...what a bore...at least it'll be over in 5 minutes...current picks up some more....next rapid - half a step up...wonder why they even bother with lifeguards out here...next rapid - little more challenging...hey, this is close to being fun...the next one now in our sights...looks like a fair amount of white...we might actually get some splash here..."Yo Shirley, what are you doing? Why is the boat turning sideways?"..."You got me!"...we're now hitting the rapid sideways...no big deal..."Man, you guys should've seen me on the Green River..."...the sideways approach seems just fine...Hey, look - there's our other group walking back....wait a minute..."Dude, we're stuck!"...the raft, still sideways, is at the bottom of the current rapid while a mini waterfall effect prevents our progress down stream...A rush of current hits us from the side annnnnd....yep, you got it - the dreamteam capsizes (those Greek Gods always punish hubris)...

...ahhhh, water not too cold, this aint so bad, good way to cool off...I pop up from underwater and notice Shirley now floating down the river too...wait, I'm under again...something’s off here...Ahhh, Shoot!...my foot is caught in the boat (wedged under the seat in front of me, of course)....can't shake it loose!...up for air again...back under...the raft is now floating down stream with a Tuna hanging from its starboard!...can't break out...oh boy...is this it?...3ft of water on a manmade whitewater course with scale 2 rapids...what a way to go... thoughts flashing through my mind…I wonder how many people would come to my funeral...Definitely should have gone on that Brazil trip... Can't believe I missed that three in the '05 tournament game...FINALLY, the seat in front of me gives a little bit and the foot shakes free...PHEW!...OK, what was it that she said about the "Rescue Me" position...floating on my back...feet up...a lifeguard is now in sight and shouting instructions....he throws us (Shirely 5 ft ahead of me) each a rope...lifeguards from both sides of the waterway are delivering instructions...total confusion....what the HECK is going on here...there is only 3 feet of water!...this guy is struggling with his biggest catch of the day...Garner meanwhile finds his way back to the raft but clearly losing command of the vessel on his own and finds himself once again in the water! He's looking back at us, deer in the headlights...the two lifeguards on the other side are now yelling obscenity-laden orders at him…“Get back in the boat immediately!”… they think he's intentionally jumped overboard...He's yelling back, "CHILLOUT!"…superman lifeguard is pulling two of the biggest goofballs the St. Joseph's has ever known to shore while Garner manages to fight his way back to the raft...what the F just happened?!?! I notice our classmates, who have just witnessed this very embarrassing spectacle, are now across the way doubled over and laughing uncontrollably...

Shirley and I are dripping wet and walking to the end of the course to meet up with our team's sole survivor...having a pretty good laugh ourselves...Through plenty of tries and lots of duds, the guy seems to have really taken pride in having a one-liner for any situation (better known as Shirleyism's): "Well, I guess you can chalk that up to something that looks a whoooole lot easier than it really is"...There it is - a perfect delivery.

Indeed, only in South Bend...